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Videos | Gags | Routines | Build-a-Bit | 50s TV
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A note from Jennifer:
This is where your submissions from our build-a-bit form wind up. We've been getting them since we first set up our little fake gizmo, from folks who know computers can't be funny yet. Some of the following date back to the olden days (in Web terms) of 1995! Newer ones further down must be from visitors of The Mining Company and Third Age, who have linekd to us...
name1 -> Marcus T
character -> Gracie Allen
prop -> Purse
Guest -> Humphrey Bogart
set -> Train Station
flunky -> Eddie Haskell
Situation -> Going somewhere
What do you do now? ->
Gracie:
(to Bogey)
My Humphry, if George could see me now! I mean On my way to Hawaii with you.
Bogart:
Lishen Shweetheart, you're gonna have ta shut your yap or everone's gonna know the score.
Gracie:
I thought we were going to the Islands. But if you would rather see a game, well, who am I to complain?
Eddie Haskell approaches.
Haskell:
Gee Ms. Allen I couldn't help but overhear. May I remind you that to get to Hawaii one needs to fly or sail.
Bogart:
(to Haskell)
Shut up kid. You'll blow the whistle on the whole deal!
Gracie:
(to Haskell)
Oh, are you the referee?...
A new Dadaesque twist:
name1 -> SpinDr
character -> Ernie Kovacs
prop -> Fur Coat
Guest -> Raymond Burr
set -> Police Station
flunky -> Mel Blanc
Situation -> Fender bender
What do you do now? -> Ernie wants to report a car accident. Mel wants to know why he's wearing a fur coat in the middle of July. Ernie says his gout is acting up, only to open up the coat to find blocks of dry ice hanging off of his body.
Wow! A whole story:
name1 -> peverett@ti.com
character -> Red Skelton
prop -> Dead Chicken
Guest -> Jayne Mansfield
set -> Grocery Store
flunky -> Don Knotts
Situation -> You're fired!
What do you do now? -> Red is the boss, Jayne is the checkout girl. Don is the stock boy. Red has to tell Jayne that she is fired and is nervously figeting around when he wonders upon Knots who says there was a problem with the freezers last night and that we lost some chicken. As this is going on... Jayne happens to walk up, very attractive person which distracts Red and he quite accidently bumps Knots who ends up face-first in the freezer and coincidently the dead chicken. Or something like that. Later.. Jayne is given a raise and Red dismisses the thought of ever wanting to fire her.
Self-reflexivity=ytivixelfer-fleS
name1 -> JustyTrojan
character -> Red Skelton
prop -> Suitcase
Guest -> Jayne Mansfield
set -> Train Station
flunky -> Ed Norton
Situation -> Going somewhere
What do you do now? -> Jayne Mansfield is struggling with a huge suitcase in the Memphis Greyhound Station. Ed Norton siddles up and tries the following opening gambit: "My Ah hep y'all, young lady?" Jayne retorts: "That's about the most fake Southern accent I have ever heard, Bubba." Ed replies: "Yes, but a worse accent is a Southerner trying to speak French."
Just then, a guy in a driver's hat arrives, Red Skelton, and tells them this skit can't work because the choices given the authors did not include a Bus Station.
"Y'all are in the wrong stall. This skit is supposed to be in a 'trainstation.' "Y'all got a bus, man, take us to the train station" says Ed. "Sure," says Red, "Hop in." Red gets in the bus driver's seat.
"Hey y'all, watch this" says Red, revvying up..
MORAL: If you EVER hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey,y'all watch this," stay our of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
name1 -> avo
character -> Red Skelton
prop -> Dead Chicken
Guest -> Ed Wynn
set -> Police Station
flunky -> Don Knotts
Situation -> You're fired!
What do you do now? -> you have failed to protect this chicken. How could you let the swat team shoot him? He was in protective custody I can't believe you left to get pizza. I don't care if you were hungry.
Brought to you by Save The Chickens!
A variant on The Electric Grandmother:
name1 -> sparkle hayter
character -> Ernie Kovacs
prop -> Hat
Guest -> Jayne Mansfield
set -> Luncheonette Counter
flunky -> Ed Norton
Situation -> Planning a wedding
What do you do now? -> apples? uncle harry's got a prostate problem. Wait, gotta go now, the microchip in my buttocks is beeping.
name1 -> marty_wilson@hotmail.com
character -> Jack Benny
prop -> No Prop Needed
Guest -> Raymond Burr
set -> Police Station
flunky -> Mel Blanc
Situation -> Fender bender
What do you do now? -> Jack's Maxwell has been in an accident. The only witness is Mel Blanc. Raymond Burr is the desk sargent. He question's Mel and gets the Si,Cy,So,Sew routine.
There's just something naturally surrealist about chickens!
name1 -> darb1@i-55.com
character -> Lucy Ball
prop -> Dead Chicken
Guest -> Bob Hope
set -> Police Station
flunky -> Ethel Mertz
Situation -> Fender bender
What do you do now? -> Lucy, Ethel, and Bob trying to make the cop think the dead chicken was the one that ran in the road and caused the wreck. The chicken is FROZEN and CLEANED.
name1 -> Macile Ann Darby darb1@i-55.com
character -> Jackie Gleason
prop -> Fur Coat
Guest -> Jayne Mansfield
set -> Department Store
flunky -> Ed Norton
Situation -> Returning merchandise
What do you do now? -> Jane is at the local department store to return a fur that one of many admirers bought for her, only because one of her OTHER admirers has gotten her the exact same Fur Coat. As she stands in line awaiting her turn to be served, in walks Jackie Gleason (Ralph) and Ed Norton (Ed) to return the wrong color paint Alice purchased. As their luck would have it, our dear sweet but clumbsy Ed spills the paint all over the Fur as well as Miss Mansfield. A heated discusion begins
Ed and Ralph don't have the LARGE amount of money to cover the cost of such a fine Fur. As we exit the scene we see Ralph and Ed sadly mopping floors at the department store, with Ralph angrully saying to Norton "Ba-Ba-Ba-Boon--To The Moon Norton."
name1 -> Vijero99@aol.com
character -> Gracie Allen
prop -> Dead Chicken
Guest -> Orson Welles
set -> Grocery Store
flunky -> Harry Von Zell
Situation -> Shopping
What do you do now? ->
Welles: Excuse me miss, but why are you fondling that dead chicken?
Gracie: Oh, I thought it was asleep and needed to be awakened!
Welles: Please enlighten me dear soul, why did you want to awaken the chicken?
Gracie: Oh heavens, don't you know that chickens are here to be sold and then eaten? I wanted to save its live. If awake it could run away.
Welles: My dear,do you not know that there is no where to run, even for chickens? The aliens are coming soon. They will land in the Palisades in New Jersey.
Gracie: Oh come now mister, who would want to land in Jersey. And anyway running would be good for the chicken even if it did finally get caught and be eaten. Even by an alien.
Welles: Dear one are you sure that you are not an alien yourself? If you will please excuse my saying so, you are a bit strange.
Gracie: And you're a bit too fat and...oh yes, I remenber seeing you on TV, you like rose buds and do not drink wine before its time. And you say I'm strange.
Welles: Touché madam!
Gracie: Don't you dare, only George can touch me!
name1 -> simplybill@AOL.com
character -> Jack Benny
prop -> No Prop Needed
Guest -> None
set -> Living Room
flunky -> Mary Livingston
Situation -> Fender bender
What do you do now? -> Mary has had a fender bender. Jack is panic-striken because he will have to pay the deductible on his auto insurance. The other driver threatens to sue and wants to settle out of court. Jack indicates he is willing, thinking he will have to pay less. But when the other driver gives him an estimate, he nearly has a heart attack. Mary counsels him to not get excited, but wait and see what happens. When they go to court, it turns out the other driver was responsible for the fender bender on Jack's Maxwell. And alls well that ends well.
name1 -> d5w
character -> Jackie Gleason
prop -> Suitcase
Guest -> Bob Hope
set -> Train Station
flunky -> Ed Norton
Situation -> Going somewhere
What do you do now? -> Jackie and Ed find an abandoned suitcase in a train station. They open it up to try and find some identification. Inside they find that it is full of money. They use the money to upgrade their tickets to first class. They also purchase all kinds of trinkets. While on the train they act tacky and extravagant. They notice a rather mysterious character Bob, whom they think is out to steal their new found wealth. Only to find out he is an FBI agent searching for counterfiters...it turns out the money they found was actuall counterfiet it was dumped by the criminals when they learned the FBI was hot on their tail. While avoiding the FBI (Bob), they befriend two friendly looking characters who turn out to be the counterfietrs. The counterfieters realize that Jackie and Ed have their bogus money, and that they may still recoup their losses by letting Jackie and Ed take the risk of transporting it for them. When they reach their destination, the counterfieters try to strong arm the suitcase from Jackie and Ed only to be caught by the FBI.
Whew! Close call!
name1 -> Phil The Bug Man
character -> Red Skelton
prop -> Phone
Guest -> John Wayne
set -> Living Room
flunky -> Mel Blanc
Situation -> Returning merchandise
What do you do now? -> Hello....I bought this 20 slice toaster and I needed a 40 slice toaster. Can I get a refund?
Momma said there'd be days like this...
name1 -> mikey
character -> Jack Benny
prop -> Dead Chicken
Guest -> Bob Hope
set -> Luncheonette Counter
flunky -> Mel Blanc
Situation -> You're fired!
What do you do now? -> Eat an orange and turn into a cheese wheel impersonator.
Thanks to everyone who has participated! You're true fans of classic comedy, and so are these folks:
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