Penn & Teller's Bitterest Enemy

Hmm, I can't qualify as Penn and Teller's biggest fan, and I can't imagine myself on MTV (neither could a lot of others, mind you, we're an ageing demographic), but I sure need to blow off some steam.

So here's my short list of reasons why they couldn't stand being alone with me in the same room for the duration of a MTV's FANatic segment timeslot:

5. They are two of many reasons why Vegas is where 80s haircuts retire instead of dying a natural death... and I'll come carrying scissors.
4. I find astrology magazines less insulting to my intelligence than skeptics magazines (the simple explanation being that the skeptics keep breaking their own rules, but astrologers live to invent new ones).
3. They'll never come up with a trick as cool as the one pulled by one of the Saints: continuing to witness with your own tongue - after it's been cut out of your head. (Get it? The Word made Flesh? Keep up with me, guys...)
2. I would keep asking Penn if he knows who Karl Freund is, whether he answers yes or no.
1. I would just berate them into rereleasing their PBS miniseries Behind The Scenes (now that it has limped out of circulation after a few years of miserably lame marketing on the part of a revolving-door staff at Ambrose Video) at their own expense, and selling it from door to door themselves until every video store and household in the country has a box set of its own.