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MICHELLE BAUER
by Frederick C. Szebin

I heard that Michelle, a genuine talent whose blistering luster is the stuff B-legends are made of, is serious about abandoning films to raise her family. We'll miss you, kid.
-- Tina Desiree Berg

She's the B-Cinema's Carole Lombard: beautiful, unspoiled, blessed with a comedic aptitude that oscillates from mischievous mugging to firing-off sophisticated salvos with effortless marksmanship. Veteran filmmakers love her because she's disciplined; on time, knows her lines, delivers the goods. Fledgling directors, weaned on her cult adoration, tailor roles for the thespian so they can flaunt her billing to insiders.

The only person who isn't convinced Michelle Bauer is a splendid actress is Michelle Bauer. Then again, Bauer never pursued the Oscar nor that star-making vehicle; the sheer volume of her work is chronicled in no less than 2 1/2 pages of The Bare Facts. Sure, there's a T&A impulse inherently attached to her characters, but let's get something straight. Starlets who routinely strip in film after film usually prompt even the most seasoned B-addict to groan and press the fast forward button. But Bauer, never a starlet, circumvented status as only a nude presence; projecting a panache that low budgets couldn't buy, she voluntarily breathed a larger than life psyche into the most perfunctory character. The predictability of her nude scenes was much less significant than her unpredictable navigation of the role.

Last year, after wrapping VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS, Bauer announced her subsequent film--ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CENTERFOLD--would be her last. Contrary to speculation, she played the centerfold only for the film's test footage; Bauer's clothes remained intact for her role as a scientist. It was a poignant curtain call for an actress accustomed to playing half-dressed groupies, coeds and cavewomen.

But why did Bauer, who's perpetually in demand, abruptly decide to retire? The cast of VAMPIRE VIXENS are divided behind the reasons for the resignation. "She's getting older," said actress/Penthouse centerfold Leslie Glass. "I didn't want to say that but, sometimes, you have to bow out gracefully. You can tell when people are getting older, they get tired of what they're doing. Your body doesn't look as good as it used to." B-aficionados would very likely challenge this criterion (the physical evidence of Bauer's anatomic maintenance is visible in 1993's DINOSAUR ISLAND). In fact, VAMPIRE VIXENS co-star Theresa Lynn insists that Bauer, during a rehearsal for the 1994 shoot, professed her goal to stretch her longevity in the business. "Michelle's decision to split really surprised me," exclaims Lynn. "She told me that she wanted to keep doing movies, as long as people were willing to look at her in little outfits that exposed her body. She told me that she was proud to show it--that when the day came that nobody wanted to see her anymore, she'd quit. Maybe things have changed since I saw her last July, but that was her statement...."

....Hired by B-moguls Fred Olen Ray, Jim Wynorski and Dave DeCoteau, she resurfaced on video screens as Michelle Bauer. Husband #1 insisted, via a lawsuit, that the actress omit the "Bauer" from her billing. Adapting the last name of her current spouse, she was briefly reborn as Michelle McClellen in HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (1988). But the press and public, already familiar with exposure as Michelle Bauer, resisted the McClellen denomination. And so did Michelle Bauer. "I told Mr. Bauer, 'So sue me,'" she grins. "I tried the transition to McClellen, but Bauer was already too recognized so I thought, 'Aw, forget it.' The Bauer thing was only used when I was working. It wasn't anything that started affecting my personal life. My current husband finally dealt with it, also [laughs]."

Then came a profusion of sexpot roles in SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA, ASSAULTS OF THE PARTY NERDS I & II, DEADLY EMBRACE, SPIRITS, THE DWELLING, ad infinitum.

"I had so much fun," smiles Bauer. "I would do one day roles for Fred Ray, like in EVIL TOONS, as long as it was funny and I enjoyed myself. It didn't matter to me. I had no pride! I had more fun doing little things, here and there, than being the lead. When directors and producers called me, it was never a matter of the part being big enough. Fred always asked me just because he wanted me to be in the movie, or he had me in mind, or thought it would be perfect for me. There were times when he would give me better things, and times when the parts weren't so good. But I never asked him for a job. He always just came to me when something came along that he could use me in something.

"A lot of B-Queens get lost in the idea that, since they are a B-Queen, they should get top billing all the time. But that's not true at all. You can do B-movies and never have had any experience, just a great body, and get work for a very long time. Your balloon has to be popped one way or the other. If you want to have fun, then work and get it while you can. Hollywood is pretty mean and sad but as long as you get the right attitude, you'll be fine."

Finally, there's the $64,000 question: Why is Michelle Bauer retiring from film? Rumors had circulated that Bauer was "tearfully disgusted with the way she was unflatteringly photographed in VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS, and decided to jump ship." "Yeah, I was told that," winces Bauer. "I won't say by who. But I thought nothing like that. I've never been one to think I could have looked better, because I'm my own worst critic. I've had so many parts over the years that I can't worry about primping. I never made that a big concern. You can probably tell, huh? [laughs]. As for VAMPIRE VIXENS, I was treated very well by that company. I though the film was good and I liked my role. It was funny and sexy.

"No, I'm retiring because I have another life," notes Bauer who shares ownership, with her husband (the aforementioned Mr. McClellen) of parking lot repair and maintenance business, conveniently located along the fault lines of southern California. "I'm a wife and mother, which is very hectic on its own. My daughter has started school, so it isn't like she can just leave home when I travel and it isn't just a simple matter of finding a sitter. I had really been considering it for the last year, and there's nobody in the business who can talk me out of it."...

....Excusing herself for a dinner appointment, she makes her exit. Tomorrow, she'll be home for good. It dawns on me that the next time I'll ever see Michelle Bauer again is in her video legacy. I suddenly get very depressed.

Postscript: by Catherine Carson

April 22, 1995: Chiller Theatre Convention. We realized that within another 24 hours Michelle Bauer would be boarding a plane at the New Jersey airport and subsequently limiting personal appearances to her family. She graciously accepted Femme Fatale's invitation to dine with yours truly, photographer Vinnie Mizzi and editor Bill (The White Russian) George.

7:15 PM: Entering the restaurant, Michelle advises us that she'd obliged a fan's request to have a drink in the lounge. She orders dinner, slips out to be bar and returns to our table within 10 minutes. Though fatigued--she had been on her feet during the entire weekend, complying with hundreds of requests for photos and autographs--Michelle somehow manages a warm smile as she seats herself. Though I admittedly served only a recent apprenticeship with the Michelle Bauer Cinema, the lady impresses me; there's a tenderness intertwined with the gutsy Auntie Mame exterior. I had suspected the farewell homage, from her legions of fans, may have made her resignation a tough call. But her mind was made up. "The decision to leave," she says between bites, "is final."

Cognizant of the drawbacks juggling a career and family, Bauer has put an end to the struggle. On one hand, she regrets separating herself from young daughter Whitney when work dictates travel from home. And on the other hand, she's remiss over losing those close bonds and friendships developed during her prolific movie career. "In the end, I realized that my family is the most important part of my life," she explains without a hint of remorse. "It was time to quit."

Exhaling a deep sigh, Michelle caps her career : "This has all been a real kick in the ass. I don't feel worthy of all this attention." Yeah, she can be a tough cookie, even toasting my editor's burst of sentimentality. "I think NIGHT OF THE LIVING BABES was one of my first Michelle Bauer films," Bill smiled. Rather than quitting while ahead, he follows up with, "That was released about a decade ago, right?" "A decade?," roared Michelle, "Thanks a lot, Bill! A whole DECADE??" Bill swallows, his eyes search the tea-room for a clever comeback or, more likely, a quick exit: "Did I say a decade? But it seems like only yesterday that...y'know something , I'm probably confusing LIVING BABES with SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, which was released only two years ago. Then again, I could be confusing SEATTLE with DINOSAUR ISLAND, I mean they were both released in 1993... Hey waiter, another drink!" Bombs away. I mercifully change the subject, recalling Michelle's resistance to the casting couch syndrome. "I never went in saying, I've got to do this film,'' she hisses. "I had the attitude, 'You fuck with me...I'm outta here.'" Yeah, this chick kicks butt. But, as we exchange goodbyes, a bearded friend of Michelle's (I think he was a bodyguard during her convention appearances) drops by to say, "I've got to go home. I just wanted to tell you that we'll miss you." Michelle melts; she hugs the big lug and bursts into tears.

Note to Michelle: It was an honor and a pleasure dining with you. Expressing a universal sentiment we'll miss that patented Bauer charisma...not to mention your impassioned portrayal of chainsaw-wielding Jezebels, naughty sorority swingers and catfightin' cavebabes. You'll forever be our favorite femme fatale.